I have been sitting and pondering a lot lately, kind of dreading this update to my blog. I wonder sometimes about the meanings of random things and occurences.that everyone has in their lives. About a week and a half ago, Bob came home in amazement at what he had seen...there was a whole tree, standing at the edge of the road, but on the pavement...it was cut clean at the bottom, yet stood tall and straight. He took me to see it, and over the days that followed, I called it Bob’s tree. No source of life, dying inside, but it stayed there until today. Now it is gone, not lying beside the road, just gone. Does it mean anything? Is there significance to it’s being there, or now being gone? Many would say why would anyone bother to wonder about it in the first place, and perhaps I would not, if I had not seen today, as both a beginning and an end.
Bob passed away February 28th, and today I brought home his ashes. For now, they rest in the china cabinet, near the table where we always had coffee in the mornings...sometimes alone, and often with a dear friend or two. There is where we gathered after it was over, and in the days to follow. These last few months, since he came off the road, due to his health, we spent many hours at that table watching tv and talking. For some reason, never going in to the big screen tv, but watching on an older set...wrestling, Nascar races, and NCIS seemed to be on the most.
He left so much behind, but his biggest treasures were Bubba and I, and the house he was ‘building’ for us. He knew it was his final gift to us, even tho’ I did not want to face it. He left his ready smile for his friends, and his salute to all truckers we passed; he left a loving heart, that embraced his grandchildren, and a special part of it for our newest, Sadie Noel. He got to meet her for a little a week before he left us, and the joy that brought him was contagious, as you can see in the previous post.
He left friends from online, from one side of the country to the other, and scattered around the globe. He loved to chat with them, and over the years was able to meet quite a few. Those memories he treasured. Perhaps, a bit more, because that was where we met...a chance meeting in an AOL chatroom, became twelve years of deep and abiding love. I met my best friend that day, and found as well, the simple love of a child; I gained a second family, that merged with the one I had, as tho’ it had always been. So many hearts are saddened at the loss, yet we find comfort in each other across the miles.
How many words I want to say, but they are caught in my heart, and I find it hard to bring them forth. So I will borrow back a poem, I wrote for a dear friend, after her loss. They seem fitting and say, at least to me, what I know he would say to me, if he could.
IF I COULD ANSWER YOU
I hear you.....your entreaties for me to stay;
I feel your tears, as you stroke my cheek,
they drop, unheeded, on my hands.
I hear you.....as you pray for me to wake;
I feel your heart, breaking , beating against mine,
as you lie against me one last time.
I hear you.....as you speak of the past joys;
I feel your pain, tanigible, as it fills the room,
it pulsates around us as a living thing.
I hear you.....even when you are silent ;
I feel you, wandering alone, lost in memories,
as I fear you will be lost without me.
I would speak......and tell you that I must go;
and you would know that I cry also, inside,
where no one can tell, over having to leave you.
I would speak.....and tell you that I would stay;
and you would know that I meant in your heart,
where only you will know that I am still with you.
I would speak.....and tell you that I will remember;
and you would know that I will never forget,
though we are separated by death.
I would speak.....and tell you that we will join;
and you would know that we will be together,
forever, in a better place, when it is time.
I wish.....that we had been able to say good-bye;
you wish that we never had to say good-bye....
farewell, to you.....you loved me fully.
I wish......that I could tell you that I love you;
you wish that I would never stop loving you.....
farewell, to you....you taught me much.
I wish.....that I could spare you the agony of loss;
you wish that i was not lost in painful agony....
farewell, to you......you brought me joy.
I wish.....that we had had more time to spend;
you wish that you had spent more time.....
farewell, to you......you will see me soon.
~susan
He truly taught me the meaing of love, and I will miss him.
