Monday, February 25, 2008

Fun and games....not...

Rough week, and weekend. Even my son's new caregiver got to see one of his 2 hour temper tantrums. Don't think he has done that for her at school. A few of the days were so bad I wrote a poem in "honor" of

Ah, the strident sound of screaming
a sweeter background was never made
To start the morning with a frown,
to spring from bed where once you laid.

The oven's hot, the toaster buzzing
the coffee's hot, tho' without grounds
The phone's unplugged, and who knows what
for he is up outside with the hounds

The day is dark, because it's early
alarms go off, inside my head
Not time for those on bedside table
Oh, no he's up, he's not in bed.

I calm him down, I soothe the tears
I make the milk, and oatmeal too
He dresses for school and sits to eat
The bus comes early oh what to do

He won't get up, he's not done eating
he screams his rage, and will not go
The bus won't wait, their time is set
So guess who's home to cause me woe

I think that I would like to scream
I wish that I could be the child
Won't someone come and care for me
while I'm the one who going wild

It could be worse, I do suppose
he's back in bed, the tears are dry
he's fought it out, he won the day
and I sit here, and want to cry

I hate when days start out like this
I wish sometimes that I could win
I guess that now it's time for me
To make some coffee with coffee in.

Maybe with a cup, that's not hot water
I'll start to cope and face the day
I'll try again, tomorrow morning
And hope that it is not this way.

Not too good, but almost accurate. I awoke to messed up coffee...a hot oven, broken door on the microwave, and a toaster going nuts cause he was holding the handle down passed the cycle. Heaven knows what all else he did while I was asleep; I am sure as time passes I will find more little signs. I know at some point he packed my tire full of rocks....took about 15 minutes to get them all out. He has taught me that you can not only get flat tires from holes in the tire, but also from holes in the wheel...and that is alot more expensive.

He has taught me many things, he really has. He has taught me to look at life in a different way. He has taught me to not feel so sorry for myself, because I could have it so much worse. He teaches me to stop and smell the roses, to look at the sunrises and sunsets, because, like snowflakes, there are no two alike. And after almost losing my both of my daughters, my grandson, my husband, and my parents; after losing two granddaughters, after becoming estranged from my oldest and never seeing 3 of my grandchildren, I am learning to never take anything for granted. Each flower could be the last I see, with macular degeneration and glaucoma running in the family, I could lose my sight; each sunset could be the last one, each hug, each kiss good night....they all could end at any time. If one does not savor what is there in the present, they may not even have a future in which to regret what they missed. Nothing in life can ever be regained; what is past is written in stone, and what is to come, well, it may never get here. All we have is the present, and I doubt that there is one of us who does not need to remind themselves of that every minute of the day.

I know there are many out there who do not believe in anything; whether it be God, or even in human goodness. They are lost and alone in their own hell. I don't expect that anything I could ever say to them would change them. I know I was never good at listening to others, but I do see things. I see people who don't let things defeat them; who keep going against all odds, and do it with a smile. Those are people who have God inside them whether they believe or not. For that is definitely not human nature. Religion, at times has done man a disservice; in that the hypocrisy and pretense of a few poison the outlook for many. Those who walk around quoting platitudes and scripture, while doing whatever they want, appear to be the majority; but I don't think so. I think that there really are those out there that believe and attempt to live their lives in such as way as to benefit others and to lead them to see that there is a different or better way to live. I know the old sayings about one rotten apple spoiling the barrel, and many others, sound corny in this day and age of supposed enlightenment. Yet it is so true. People can say so much that sounds good at first, just as they can look convincingly just , upright, innocent, pure or whatever; but I learned a long time ago that what is on the outside is not always what is inside, that what is prettiest or biggest is not always the best. Things that sound good can be faulty; and filled with emptiness. It is so true that if it sounds too good to be true, it often is not.

Well...he is back up out of bed, so I must go and deal....sigh....hopefully not so many days will pass between posts. I do the best I can, and I suppose he does too, in his own way. Night all!

Been crazy here...

Sorry I haven't gotten a chance to post in awhile; I haven't had much chance to do anything. I did work on upgrading my websites; but then I can do that in between watching my son, and running after him. Writing , and painting are a little more time consuming, and I need all my concentration or I just babble, or scribble.

I haven't sold any more paintings in the library show, but I did get a commission to do another painting of the Depot and double decker bus. I am excited about that; it will be interesting to do something similar, but different.

I have another showing this weekend, at the gallery I showed at the first time. Since I sold a painting there of a wizard, that I had been going to give my hubby, because I had just done it in fun. It was 12x12 on paper...

So this time I thought I would paint another more serious one on 11x14 canvas board, and see how it did...

I will let you know if it, or the new Oxford one do any good.

To sort of keep on with the order of what I have done...after working on the ones for the first showing, I started on Christmas and birthday presents. We have birthdays in December, as well as Christmas, so I decided to give a few paintings as presents this year. I think they were received in the spirit given. As I said in an earlier post I did a wedding portrait for my mom's birthday; and I also did a portrait of my husbands parents, who have both passed on.

He liked it! Then, I did one for my son-in-law whose birthday is on the same day as my husband's. He is an avid this is what I came up with:

It is acrylics on 12x12 paper.

Well, I need to get my son into bed....will try to be back sooner than last time to let you know how things are going. Night all!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

What a weekend...

This was definitely not the weekend I had planned. I did not plan to get sick, or have so much stress. However, I did get a little painting done, actually more than I might have because the Wet Canvas site was down for most of the with no online interference, I did some more work on my new local piece:

I messed around a bit with finishing touches on other stuff, but not much else. Too busy visting the master Oh, still not feeling quite myself, but I suppose that will come in time. I don't have much time this afternoon with chasing down my son, but I wanted to show a bit more of what I was doing.

When I had my first showing, I painted a thank you gift for the gallery owner...

and then I did a local Christmas scene of the town we live in:

Sorry I don't have any more time, but I will be back later. Thanks for looking in.

Thoughts for today

I hope none of you are as sick as I have been the last few days. It is one of the times, when I wish I was a kid or husband, so I could just be sick, and did not have to still do the laundry, cook, and try to clean some. However, I guess that is just part of being a mom; you would think I would be used to it by now.

With my son, now, there is just no way for him to understand that mom is feeling too sick to get a meal, or chase after Thank goodness, his latest thing is sleeping alot, and tho' I know that is not has been a blessing these last few days. I need to find out why tho', whether it is his meds, or what; but we have not changed those in since this summer. If I cut back on them, it does not stop the sleeping, but it surely does increase the temper and anger outbursts. If he would just go to school it would help alot. I cannot figure out what it wrong there either, because he enjoys it so much when he goes.

Maybe it is just with being 21 now, and with his hormones still raging, he has that wonderful teenager attitude without the understanding of what is going on. That part of him is fully; and for those of you who are parents of teenagers....he has "the look" down pat: the one that says " ____ you!"

I remember when my other kids got that look, it meant they thought they knew it all, and I was just some dumb woman that was trying to ruin their lives. It seemed then like they would never grow out of that stage, but they did...thank God! It is just with Bubba, it takes a long, long time for him to go through stages.

I need to force myself to start going outside and working again. Since I started painting, I have really let things go outside. And when I stepped on the scales this weekend, I knew my days of peacefully staying inside needed to end. I lost 35 lbs. when I quit smoking more than a year ago, because I made myself start doing things where I would quit thinking about reaching for one; but now that the worst of the cravings are gone (except when things get REALLY stressful), I am not pushing myself outside as much. However, I think I am still eating like I was burning up all those calories. Something will have to change soon I think.

My husband says he likes me the way I am, but my vanity has a hard time weighing more than he does. He just never seems to gain any weight anywhere but a bit of a belly. The rest of him stays thin. Why is it that I gain it everywhere?...guess that is one of those male/female difference things.

Well...gotta go chase a kid for now...I will keep you updated on whether I can make myself go out and work or not, after the flu is gone. Here is a poem for your contemplation:


Many times I have pondered, and
countless times I have asked,
who am I, what am I, and even
where will I end up when I get there?
Each time the questions were
unanswerable, unattainable, and
frighteningly beyond my ability
to answer, or have a clue.
I drifted thru' life, making do;
trying to compensate for all
that seemed to be missing, and
the incompleteness of my soul.
I was, or became, what each
person in my life wanted me to be,
all things to all people; role-playing
carried to extremes, contradictory
in my actions, and afraid everyone knew;
called many things, and in time
becoming them: lazy and weak,
frigid, uncaring, stupid, slovenly,
repressed, gullible, and spineless;
thought to be a loner, walled off
from the needs of others, and thought
to have no needs of my own at all.
So very alone was I, a doormat
to all who used me, deathly afraid
of change, because I could almost
cope with routines and memorized
actions; a puppet, moved only
by hands of evil, yet those of
my own creation; I allowed others
to do this to me, since my own inaction,
and indecision, fed their power.
A timid mouse, in a maze of errors,
I answered the bells that others rang,
running, constantly searching, looking
for tidbits of love, and attention,
willing to accept any strings attached,
just to have a moment of normality.
For years I lived this way willingly,
not knowing any other way to be:
envious of others, but not really
understanding, what it was I lacked;
hearing the words, without comprehending;
reading books I truly thought were lies,
and fairy tales for the hopeful;
never realizing, that it was real,
that I could ever dream of it,
let alone, attain any of it myself: a measure
of self-esteem, a level of loving
myself and feeling that I was
worthy, vital, loving and passionate,
wise, strong, with a beauty of soul
and spirit, filled with laughter
and wit; with the freedom to be
whatever I had dreamed; to give only
that which I wanted to give, and
to whom I chose to bestow with
my love, my friendship, my caring.
To know that I was capable, suited
to make wise choices, and decisions;
no longer a timid mouse, or doormat,
but a woman, full grown, unafraid;
no small child anymore, crying
inside some corner of myself, but
mature, filled with a sense
of wonder and awe, of thankfulness
toward those who persisted, caring
enough to keep trying to help me;
those who stood by and supported me,
for so many long and lonely years.
Because now I live, and will live,
the rest of the time that God,
in His mercy, gives me; at peace,
as a whole person, completed, yet
changing and growing each day
in love and faith; but unable
to be moved from my foundation
which is built on the solid rock.
I stand here, and I am ME at last.


Thursday, February 7, 2008

What a beautiful morning....

After the storms we have had the last day or so....some outside and some inside (my son); this is definitely a pretty day. The sun is shining and I am so in the mood to paint. I suppose I should go on with the progression I was showing of my work....I sort interrupted myself with the sale at the new show.

And then my son tends to interupt my life when he refuses to go to school, as he has done for the last 3 days. It leaves me little time to do anything, so when I get a few minutes I paint instead of blog. I have been working on updating my websites also, because that is easier to leave to check up on him than it is when I try to paint....acrylics dry out to fast to leave for very long.

As I said, in an earlier post, I am facinated with doing portraits, altho' I still love landscapes too. I cannot seem to make up my mind. I am actually just going back and forth at the moment; and trying to perfect my skills with both.

I enjoyed painting these of my parents :

and then I did these of a friend's son, who is now 3....he won't hold still long enough to be painted right

Then for my mom's birthday, I painted a portrait of their wedding, from an old photo from the 1940's. I really enjoyed giving her something to remember, as she is doing alot of that these days.

Then to keep up with my landscapes, I painted these sunrises: both quite different:

Well...since I lost this post for most of the day, now it is a beautiful night and time for me to get some sleep. Night all.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Good morning !

I am feeling quite upbeat this morning. My son decided to go to school, which for him is a big step; ever since the Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks he decided he would rather stay home and sleep all day. It happened last year too, and it sure is hard on me. I had been without a caregiver for almost a month, but a new one started this weekend. She will be easy to work with, because she is also his teacher in school, and does this on the side. She knows all of his tricks, and is not intimidated by his behavior.

With her presence, I was able to go to my first meeting of The Oxford Artist Guild, where I found out that I sold the first painting in the show we are having right now. If anyone is interested in my paintings, or the announcements of the showings around the Oxford area, please check out my other blog where I list all that is going on in my world of painting.

It was so nice to be out by myself, and not have to continually watch out for the actions of my son....if you let him out of the truck, his favorite activity is stripping every car in the parking lot of its valve stem caps. It is one of his many autistic compulsions, and it is not easy to stop him from doing it, since he has gotten so big.

I was reading over my poetry this morning, so I could post one in the Wet Canvas forum for poetry and paintings. So far mostly I have done graphic pics to go with each one, but I plan to start painting for each one...which should keep me Here is a link to the one I posted: . Mine is the 8th one down on the page.

Here is a poem I wrote a number of years ago; it is one I would like to do a painting for.


As I sit amidst a storm of medical fury,
commands ring out, nurses run to answer,
phones beckon, charts are pulled, tests are run.
Hurry, hurry, and then we wait, and wait, and wait;
when will we know, what will we know?
I sit alone, among many, hearing only my thoughts,
none of which have coherency, or meaning:
oh god, oh god! not now, not this, help me please!
And in the quiet of my heart I hear my daughter's cries,
unspoken, yet screamed from the depths of her soul:
Don't wake me, let me go, mamma I love you! but
her heart hears the cries of her unborn children
the angel of death holds then in his arms,
yet it is her breast that aches for their touch;
her empty womb lies silent and mocking,
a place of death, not life; with each grave
a piece of her soul is placed in the ground.
How to go on, how to live without
these pieces of her very eternal life?
Heaven resounds with her children's cries,
searching for their mother's arms;
how long must they wait for her love,
how long must she wait to ease her grief?
Oh god, oh god....echoes in the night,
rising from the hearts of many, mine and hers;
come back--let me go; the oldest conflict,
and yet the newest, at least this night.
In the bustle and agony of waiting--
will she come back, or will she go?
Only time will tell, only God knows the answer,
and He hasn't spoken, tho' my heart screams;
but it is not heard; we are in an island of quiet,
amid an ocean of noise: sirens wail, red lights
reflect a chaos of other people's pain;
we think we are alone, yet are we? is anyone?

~ susan

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Long weekend

After alot of questioning of friends and some vote, I finally decided on three paintings to put in the show at the local library. It did not seem so difficult to get it from 50+ down to 10, but from 10 down to 3 was alot harder. I decided to simply let people vote and go with everyone else's decision. The top 3 were:

The Oxford Train Depot, acrylics on an 11x14 canvas panel

The Bridge, acrylics on an 11x14 canvas panel

and Rememberd Peace, acrylics on 9.25x13.75 on paper

To my amazement, the Depot sold shortly after being hung. I am truly grateful, and excited.

Well, I had hoped to go on this evening, but my son is refusing to go to bed, and I am equally determined that he will. So on this note I will close for this evening. Hopefully, tomorrow will be quieter, and I can update more. Night all!