Sunday, July 12, 2009

The weekend brought joy...

I’ve often written in my poetry, about the little girl inside, of me, of all of us, in a sense. Well, I feel as tho’ she has stopped crying for now…she found the person who had always made her feel safe this weekend. The adult had already found someone to care for her, after many empty years; but it seems as tho’ the inner child, the one who was always so afraid, and was so hurt, had needed this other person. I re-connected with an old and dear friend, after 40+ years….amazing, I am not sure how or why it happened, but it has made me very happy, and filled something inside of me that has been empty for a long, long time.

I also met another important someone, but that I will save for later….I want to savor it for awhile!!

For whatever reasons, I have spent the last year or so, remembering things, I thought I had forgotten. So many memories…I am guessing it is all that has happened with my parents….but who knows. All I know is, to paraphrase Luke 15…” for this one was dead to me, and is alive again, he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.” Seminary aside (yes, to the astonished, I went to seminary, but before women went on to be ordained), I do know what the original meaning was/is; but it seemed an appropriate thought.

The world is filled with double meanings, and things that can be taken different ways, depending on how you shine the light on them. Perhaps, that is my artistic side, interpreting what I see…when I can see so many different ways to see thingsl Today is a day to leave you with a poem….and a picture….some would see it as depressing…..some as hopeful. I will leave the interpretation to you.


Maybe I need too much, for comforting,
and have too many tears to be dried;
maybe I am too empty, for satisfying,
too filled with holes to be patched again;
maybe I was not meant to be happy, or
I suppose I should have never tried to be;
maybe I ask too much, for anyone to give,
and have needs that no one could ever meet;
maybe I am too broken to ever be fixed,
too far gone for life to return to;
maybe I have been alone too long,
entombed in life, maybe I am dead;
maybe I was hurt too much to find the way,
bleeding out my soul's worth in pain;
maybe I have been silent, so very long,
that I will never have a voice to speak.
I hate that I am not whole for You, yet
I find that is even worse, for me to know,
for I find myself sliding back down
into the hell where I was before.
It is not fair to ask You to hold me,
when I can never be held enough;
it is not fair to look to You for love,
when there is no way for me to receive it;
it is not fair that You make me laugh,
when I cannot find any joy inside of me;
it is not fair that You should give to me,
when I am too selfish to give in return;
it is not fair to make You responsible,
to fix the things that others destroyed;
it is not fair to expect Your company,
when I do not know how to be with You;
it is not fair to ask for comforting,
for the child within who cries out in need;
it is not fair for me to try and talk to You,
of things that I do not know how to say.
I hate that I cannot be what You need, yet
I have no way to be what I need me to be;
for I fear that I am becoming the past,
with no chance to ever find a new future.
I thought that I had a second chance at life,
instead I find another way to mess things up;
I thought I had the strength to be strong,
yet I feel weaker than before I tried;
I thought I had the knowledge to fight,
that knowing would be enough to overcome,
and I find myself on my knees in pain;
I thought that love would be enough to
conquer all, yet I am the one who is beaten.
I thought I had dealt with all the nightmares,
and laid their ugly heads to rest forever;
I thought that I was free to be Yours for life,
and instead I seem to be Your ball and chain;
I thought that I had found enough joy to last
for a whole lifetime, but where is it now;
I thought we would become as one, united,
and instead I drive You further away every day.
I was found, but now I am lost, and the hell
of it is, I do not know where I am anymore;
I cannot ask for directions or even call for help;
unless You find me again, I fear that I am done.


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