Susan Richards Artwork: 7/1/08

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Since I last posted, my dad went back into the hospital. They have been doing tests all week, and had one more to do today.

We got the results of the test, and it was not good. There is nothing to fix. His heart muscle is just old and tired.

They are sending him home for now, and are going to insist on totally assisted living. This is going to break their hearts, because they were so certain that if they were in a tiny apartment, with all meals provided, that they could take care of each other.

I know it is just a pride thing, but they were both so active and independent, that this is not going to be easy...for them, or for us to watch.
Basically, since neither is steady on their feet anymore, and won't be...it is either walkers, wheel chairs, or scooters for both.

They are both still in denial at the moment. I am trying to work up enough 'upbeat' to call, since I know they do not need to know how worried or upset I am.

The doctor is going to tell them, rather than the family, because he is the only one they might believe. They have been conditioned this way...authority figures count, and the doctor knows best.

The dietician fussed at Dad and told him flat out, no more fast food...no matter what it was. No more eating out, period! So my brother has to find someone to cook for them, because neither of them is really able any more...and also because dad would cheat...lol.

I know many others have been thru' this, and I have been blessed to have had them both as long as I have; I also know I am selfish to want them to 'live forever', but I suppose that just makes me human. I think, for me anyway, that it has been the hardest thing in the world to progress into a role reversal where I am the adult, and no longer can be the child. No matter how old I have gotten I still want my mom or dad when I am hurt, sick or sad...stupidly I thought you outgrew that.

With my son's wedding coming up this weekend, and then hopefully a trip to help out with my parents, I may not be able to post for awhile. I hope you understand.

I apologize for using the same post for each blog, but I truly am not up to writing two; again I ask for your understanding.

Let me leave you with this...I wrote it for a friend, trying to tell them what I felt the person that was dying would have said if they could have spoken...

IF I COULD ANSWER YOU

I hear you.....your entreaties for me to stay;
I feel your tears, as you stroke my cheek,
they drop, unheeded, on my hands.
I hear you.....as you pray for me to wake;
I feel your heart, breaking , beating against mine,
as you lie against me one last time.
I hear you.....as you speak of the past joys;
I feel your pain, tanigible, as it fills the room,
it pulsates around us as a living thing.
I hear you.....even when you are silent ;
I feel you, wandering alone, lost in memories,
as I fear you will be lost without me.

I would speak......and tell you that I must go;
and you would know that I cry also, inside,
where no one can tell, over having to leave you.
I would speak.....and tell you that I would stay;
and you would know that I meant in your heart,
where only you will know that I am still with you.
I would speak.....and tell you that I will remember;
and you would know that I will never forget,
though we are separated by death.
I would speak.....and tell you that we will join;
and you would know that we will be together,
forever, in a better place, when it is time.

I wish.....that we had been able to say good-bye;
you wish that we never had to say good-bye....
farewell, to you.....you loved me fully.
I wish......that I could tell you that I love you;
you wish that I would never stop loving you.....
farewell, to you....you taught me much.
I wish.....that I could spare you the agony of loss;
you wish that I was not lost in painful agony....
farewell, to you......you brought me joy.
I wish.....that we had had more time to spend;
you wish that you had spent more time.....
farewell, to you......you will see me soon.

susan

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Since I last posted...

Since I last posted, my husband had a heart attack; altho' they called it a 'cardiac incident', from what I could see it was the same thing. He had a heart catheterization, and while they were inside they put in some stents. A couple of the bypasses, of the 5 that he had done in 2000, had clogged or were clogging up. He is feeling much better now, and is going back to work tomorrow. I could have done without the stress, but am so thankful to still have him!

Corny as it may sound, he is still, after 10 years, the light of my life, my soul mate, and my knight in shining armor. There are two songs that I think of when I think of him, and if I hear those songs, I think of no one but him. One is Ty Herndon's "I Know How the River Feels" (audio), which seems to describe our path to each other; and "The Keeper of the Stars" by Tracy Byrd ( audio),which is 'Our Song'. It took us 48 years to meet, but we finally met and fell in love. I had always heard that if you were truly in love, you 'just knew' and there were no questions in you about whether you were; and I never understood what they meant by that. Once I met Bob, I knew...there were no questions...I just knew.

I did not plan to speak of love today, I was actually going to talk about patriotism, but I will save that for another day. Today, my thankfulness, leads me to love of this one person; perhaps tomorrow, to love of my country, which I spoke of today in my art blog...Artwork by Susan J. Richards.

Here is just one of the many poems I have written for and about my husband:

MY GARDEN

I'm in a place I found today,
deep within my spirit's core,
created by our union;

a space I didn't know of,
but where I plan to stay,
one more thing you give to me;

and just a simple thank you,
does not seem quite adequate,
to tell of my gratefulness.

My heart is overflowing,
with mounting joy and gladness,
mere words do not seem enough;

the tokens you have brought me,
the gifts of love presented,
have opened my life and heart.

The barren garden of my soul,
blooms beyond imagining,
with new and exotic flowers;

buds of changing attitudes,
fill the air with scents of love,
and visions of things to come.

I look and I see your smile,
and I feel your gentle touch;
I hear your word of comfort;

you speak of strength, not weakness,
you radiate love for me,
and your wisdom knows my needs;

your voice is soft with guidance,
your arms reach out and hold me,
and your lips are filled with praise.

I never knew these before;
never dreamt of them for me,
thought all was a fairy tale;

now here I am the princess,
and you my errant knight,
at home now in my garden.

Tho' storm and strife make changes,
and life's path not always smooth,
our two lives have refuge won;

we'll dwell herein together,
with our hearts and souls in tune,
safe and sound forever more.

~susan

Free time...what free time?

As June closed, and July started...weeks of painting to my hearts content stretched ahead of me. I was beginning to relax about my dad, who seems to be doing better. I finished up alot of work for a friend, which took about 2 weeks, and did some yardwork (tho' not really enought...lol). Yet it was looking good...I showed you some of what I was working on, and had so many ideas of what and where I wanted to go next. Then, as usual, Real Life stepped in, and my husband had a "cardiac incident" which is the way they say it when they do not feel comfortable saying he had a heart attack, I guess. He had stents put in, and is doing fine; in fact he goes back to work tomorrow.

However, all of that left me with not only little time to paint, but a healthy dose of stress again. Oh, well....maybe that is just how it is supposed to be. I did get a little more work done on two I had started, and started one more. So for now...these are just WIP's (works in progress).

I still need to work some more on the clouds...I am just not happy with them yet.

This I had planned on making into another fantasy one, with perhaps a dragon, but have been requested by friends and family to not use this one for that purpose...we shall see where it goes...

This one, well...it is a memory of childhood. We used to have two "circles" of grass in the yard that were a different type of grass than the rest of the lawn. As kids we called them fairy circles, and played there often, imagining all sorts of things. I was into reading fairy tales, and dreamt of unicorns and fairy princesses, of following Alice into the rabbit hole, of talking to animals like Dr. Dolittle, etc. I was not much for playing girl games, or doing girl stuff, I was quite the tom boy on the outside, but I suppose when I dreamt, I was a typical female of the 50's anyway. This still has a long way to go, but it is getting there...

With the fourth of July coming up, and September 11th, never far from my heart and mind...I wanted to do something patriotic. I am so amazed at 'Generation X', as I believe they are called, and also the The Millennial Generation. On the surface of things, they seem so young, so questioning of values...but I am sure that is what our parents thought of the sixties generation too. They have risen to the challenge! I am so proud of all of them...we have a volunteer army...and oh so many volunteered after 9/11! And in spite of wars, skirmishes, UN interventions, military policing, or whatever you want to call all that is going on in the world...they continue to volunteer, there has been no need for a draft...they go to fight for our rights, to stand for our ideals, and to honor our country! God bless them, every one!!