An end to being a child....

Since I last posted, my dad went back into the hospital. They have been doing tests all week, and had one more to do today.

We got the results of the test, and it was not good. There is nothing to fix. His heart muscle is just old and tired.

They are sending him home for now, and are going to insist on totally assisted living. This is going to break their hearts, because they were so certain that if they were in a tiny apartment, with all meals provided, that they could take care of each other.

I know it is just a pride thing, but they were both so active and independent, that this is not going to be easy...for them, or for us to watch.
Basically, since neither is steady on their feet anymore, and won't be...it is either walkers, wheel chairs, or scooters for both.

They are both still in denial at the moment. I am trying to work up enough 'upbeat' to call, since I know they do not need to know how worried or upset I am.

The doctor is going to tell them, rather than the family, because he is the only one they might believe. They have been conditioned this way...authority figures count, and the doctor knows best.

The dietician fussed at Dad and told him flat out, no more fast food...no matter what it was. No more eating out, period! So my brother has to find someone to cook for them, because neither of them is really able any more...and also because dad would cheat...lol.

I know many others have been thru' this, and I have been blessed to have had them both as long as I have; I also know I am selfish to want them to 'live forever', but I suppose that just makes me human. I think, for me anyway, that it has been the hardest thing in the world to progress into a role reversal where I am the adult, and no longer can be the child. No matter how old I have gotten I still want my mom or dad when I am hurt, sick or sad...stupidly I thought you outgrew that.

With my son's wedding coming up this weekend, and then hopefully a trip to help out with my parents, I may not be able to post for awhile. I hope you understand.

I apologize for using the same post for each blog, but I truly am not up to writing two; again I ask for your understanding.

Let me leave you with this...I wrote it for a friend, trying to tell them what I felt the person that was dying would have said if they could have spoken...

IF I COULD ANSWER YOU

I hear you.....your entreaties for me to stay;
I feel your tears, as you stroke my cheek,
they drop, unheeded, on my hands.
I hear you.....as you pray for me to wake;
I feel your heart, breaking , beating against mine,
as you lie against me one last time.
I hear you.....as you speak of the past joys;
I feel your pain, tanigible, as it fills the room,
it pulsates around us as a living thing.
I hear you.....even when you are silent ;
I feel you, wandering alone, lost in memories,
as I fear you will be lost without me.

I would speak......and tell you that I must go;
and you would know that I cry also, inside,
where no one can tell, over having to leave you.
I would speak.....and tell you that I would stay;
and you would know that I meant in your heart,
where only you will know that I am still with you.
I would speak.....and tell you that I will remember;
and you would know that I will never forget,
though we are separated by death.
I would speak.....and tell you that we will join;
and you would know that we will be together,
forever, in a better place, when it is time.

I wish.....that we had been able to say good-bye;
you wish that we never had to say good-bye....
farewell, to you.....you loved me fully.
I wish......that I could tell you that I love you;
you wish that I would never stop loving you.....
farewell, to you....you taught me much.
I wish.....that I could spare you the agony of loss;
you wish that I was not lost in painful agony....
farewell, to you......you brought me joy.
I wish.....that we had had more time to spend;
you wish that you had spent more time.....
farewell, to you......you will see me soon.

susan