Monday, February 25, 2008

Fun and games....not...

Rough week, and weekend. Even my son's new caregiver got to see one of his 2 hour temper tantrums. Don't think he has done that for her at school. A few of the days were so bad I wrote a poem in "honor" of

Ah, the strident sound of screaming
a sweeter background was never made
To start the morning with a frown,
to spring from bed where once you laid.

The oven's hot, the toaster buzzing
the coffee's hot, tho' without grounds
The phone's unplugged, and who knows what
for he is up outside with the hounds

The day is dark, because it's early
alarms go off, inside my head
Not time for those on bedside table
Oh, no he's up, he's not in bed.

I calm him down, I soothe the tears
I make the milk, and oatmeal too
He dresses for school and sits to eat
The bus comes early oh what to do

He won't get up, he's not done eating
he screams his rage, and will not go
The bus won't wait, their time is set
So guess who's home to cause me woe

I think that I would like to scream
I wish that I could be the child
Won't someone come and care for me
while I'm the one who going wild

It could be worse, I do suppose
he's back in bed, the tears are dry
he's fought it out, he won the day
and I sit here, and want to cry

I hate when days start out like this
I wish sometimes that I could win
I guess that now it's time for me
To make some coffee with coffee in.

Maybe with a cup, that's not hot water
I'll start to cope and face the day
I'll try again, tomorrow morning
And hope that it is not this way.

Not too good, but almost accurate. I awoke to messed up coffee...a hot oven, broken door on the microwave, and a toaster going nuts cause he was holding the handle down passed the cycle. Heaven knows what all else he did while I was asleep; I am sure as time passes I will find more little signs. I know at some point he packed my tire full of rocks....took about 15 minutes to get them all out. He has taught me that you can not only get flat tires from holes in the tire, but also from holes in the wheel...and that is alot more expensive.

He has taught me many things, he really has. He has taught me to look at life in a different way. He has taught me to not feel so sorry for myself, because I could have it so much worse. He teaches me to stop and smell the roses, to look at the sunrises and sunsets, because, like snowflakes, there are no two alike. And after almost losing my both of my daughters, my grandson, my husband, and my parents; after losing two granddaughters, after becoming estranged from my oldest and never seeing 3 of my grandchildren, I am learning to never take anything for granted. Each flower could be the last I see, with macular degeneration and glaucoma running in the family, I could lose my sight; each sunset could be the last one, each hug, each kiss good night....they all could end at any time. If one does not savor what is there in the present, they may not even have a future in which to regret what they missed. Nothing in life can ever be regained; what is past is written in stone, and what is to come, well, it may never get here. All we have is the present, and I doubt that there is one of us who does not need to remind themselves of that every minute of the day.

I know there are many out there who do not believe in anything; whether it be God, or even in human goodness. They are lost and alone in their own hell. I don't expect that anything I could ever say to them would change them. I know I was never good at listening to others, but I do see things. I see people who don't let things defeat them; who keep going against all odds, and do it with a smile. Those are people who have God inside them whether they believe or not. For that is definitely not human nature. Religion, at times has done man a disservice; in that the hypocrisy and pretense of a few poison the outlook for many. Those who walk around quoting platitudes and scripture, while doing whatever they want, appear to be the majority; but I don't think so. I think that there really are those out there that believe and attempt to live their lives in such as way as to benefit others and to lead them to see that there is a different or better way to live. I know the old sayings about one rotten apple spoiling the barrel, and many others, sound corny in this day and age of supposed enlightenment. Yet it is so true. People can say so much that sounds good at first, just as they can look convincingly just , upright, innocent, pure or whatever; but I learned a long time ago that what is on the outside is not always what is inside, that what is prettiest or biggest is not always the best. Things that sound good can be faulty; and filled with emptiness. It is so true that if it sounds too good to be true, it often is not.

Well...he is back up out of bed, so I must go and deal....sigh....hopefully not so many days will pass between posts. I do the best I can, and I suppose he does too, in his own way. Night all!

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