Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Thoughts for today

I hope none of you are as sick as I have been the last few days. It is one of the times, when I wish I was a kid or husband, so I could just be sick, and did not have to still do the laundry, cook, and try to clean some. However, I guess that is just part of being a mom; you would think I would be used to it by now.

With my son, now, there is just no way for him to understand that mom is feeling too sick to get a meal, or chase after Thank goodness, his latest thing is sleeping alot, and tho' I know that is not has been a blessing these last few days. I need to find out why tho', whether it is his meds, or what; but we have not changed those in since this summer. If I cut back on them, it does not stop the sleeping, but it surely does increase the temper and anger outbursts. If he would just go to school it would help alot. I cannot figure out what it wrong there either, because he enjoys it so much when he goes.

Maybe it is just with being 21 now, and with his hormones still raging, he has that wonderful teenager attitude without the understanding of what is going on. That part of him is fully; and for those of you who are parents of teenagers....he has "the look" down pat: the one that says " ____ you!"

I remember when my other kids got that look, it meant they thought they knew it all, and I was just some dumb woman that was trying to ruin their lives. It seemed then like they would never grow out of that stage, but they did...thank God! It is just with Bubba, it takes a long, long time for him to go through stages.

I need to force myself to start going outside and working again. Since I started painting, I have really let things go outside. And when I stepped on the scales this weekend, I knew my days of peacefully staying inside needed to end. I lost 35 lbs. when I quit smoking more than a year ago, because I made myself start doing things where I would quit thinking about reaching for one; but now that the worst of the cravings are gone (except when things get REALLY stressful), I am not pushing myself outside as much. However, I think I am still eating like I was burning up all those calories. Something will have to change soon I think.

My husband says he likes me the way I am, but my vanity has a hard time weighing more than he does. He just never seems to gain any weight anywhere but a bit of a belly. The rest of him stays thin. Why is it that I gain it everywhere?...guess that is one of those male/female difference things.

Well...gotta go chase a kid for now...I will keep you updated on whether I can make myself go out and work or not, after the flu is gone. Here is a poem for your contemplation:


Many times I have pondered, and
countless times I have asked,
who am I, what am I, and even
where will I end up when I get there?
Each time the questions were
unanswerable, unattainable, and
frighteningly beyond my ability
to answer, or have a clue.
I drifted thru' life, making do;
trying to compensate for all
that seemed to be missing, and
the incompleteness of my soul.
I was, or became, what each
person in my life wanted me to be,
all things to all people; role-playing
carried to extremes, contradictory
in my actions, and afraid everyone knew;
called many things, and in time
becoming them: lazy and weak,
frigid, uncaring, stupid, slovenly,
repressed, gullible, and spineless;
thought to be a loner, walled off
from the needs of others, and thought
to have no needs of my own at all.
So very alone was I, a doormat
to all who used me, deathly afraid
of change, because I could almost
cope with routines and memorized
actions; a puppet, moved only
by hands of evil, yet those of
my own creation; I allowed others
to do this to me, since my own inaction,
and indecision, fed their power.
A timid mouse, in a maze of errors,
I answered the bells that others rang,
running, constantly searching, looking
for tidbits of love, and attention,
willing to accept any strings attached,
just to have a moment of normality.
For years I lived this way willingly,
not knowing any other way to be:
envious of others, but not really
understanding, what it was I lacked;
hearing the words, without comprehending;
reading books I truly thought were lies,
and fairy tales for the hopeful;
never realizing, that it was real,
that I could ever dream of it,
let alone, attain any of it myself: a measure
of self-esteem, a level of loving
myself and feeling that I was
worthy, vital, loving and passionate,
wise, strong, with a beauty of soul
and spirit, filled with laughter
and wit; with the freedom to be
whatever I had dreamed; to give only
that which I wanted to give, and
to whom I chose to bestow with
my love, my friendship, my caring.
To know that I was capable, suited
to make wise choices, and decisions;
no longer a timid mouse, or doormat,
but a woman, full grown, unafraid;
no small child anymore, crying
inside some corner of myself, but
mature, filled with a sense
of wonder and awe, of thankfulness
toward those who persisted, caring
enough to keep trying to help me;
those who stood by and supported me,
for so many long and lonely years.
Because now I live, and will live,
the rest of the time that God,
in His mercy, gives me; at peace,
as a whole person, completed, yet
changing and growing each day
in love and faith; but unable
to be moved from my foundation
which is built on the solid rock.
I stand here, and I am ME at last.


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